It’s absolutely insane that I’m even writing this blog post…but every person on every social network I have is posting their thoughts on the subject. These people typically fall into three camps, which I will share with you right now.

Often times it is disembodied – just a link to an article – which is infuriating. Seriously, take a position or provide some personal commentary because I have my news feed aggregator and I don’t need Facebook to be that. Just post baby pictures and cats like everyone else, thank you.

Some are level-headed, saying “hey, you can believe what you believe, but if you make it a challenge for your current employer to make money, expect consequences”. Man, I hate people like that. Coming in with their reason and constructing a perfectly edible soundbite – what a bunch of cocks.

Then there are the other folks, enraged and fueled by a combination of Jesus, ‘Murica, and a cursory misunderstanding of the First Amendment, who just won’t shut up about this whole thing. Boycotting A&E (I’ve been keeping up that fight for 26 years, so I welcome people into the fold), sharing Conservative tirades against the “Hollywood liberal elite”, and injecting their own commentary on why “Freedom of Speech” is being killed by a horde of black, gay atheist bullies.


Those are the people that keep blood pumping through my veins. Seriously, you complete me.

So today I awoke to THE ROBERTSON FAMILY OFFICIAL STATEMENT! Full disclosure, I don’t really know who these people are beyond some barely acceptable online research. Allegedly, this family produce one hell of a duck call, and have built a nice little empire out of selling them. I hear from friends that they are fairly solid and effective, so good on them.  At some point, their large sprawling family caught the attention of the television channel A&E, and the show Duck Dynasty was born.

For those of you lucky enough to avoid this batshit insanity, I’ll recap what the leader of the Robertson clan, Phil, had to contribute to society within the pages of GQ:

It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.

Pretty forward. Would you care to elaborate, bearded Duck man?


Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men. Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.

Yep…it sure is a slippery slope, hunter millionaire. But why stop there? How about African-Americans in pre-Civil-Rights-Louisiana?


Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.

At some point in the last week or so, the Robertson family’s TV bosses knew they had a problem. So they decided to suspend him because, hey, can’t make advertising dollars when all the sponsors begin pulling out. Needless to say, people lost their collective shit. Fans of the show were outraged because they won’t get their backwoods fix. Fans of the First Amendment – WHICH DOESN’T INCLUDE LIBERALS! – were on fire because this was a guy being punished for his personal beliefs. Fans of a world filled with not-gays were ecstatic because their message was being disseminated throughout the media. It’s been a pretty wacky week!

To understand what the Robertson family is going through, lets dissect their official statement.


We want to thank all of you for your prayers and support.

Come on…you knew that was going to be the first line.


The family has spent much time in prayer since learning of A&E’s decision.

Does everything involve a prayer? “Would you like fries with that?” “Just a second, let me consult Jesus.” All jokes aside, what did they expect A&E’s decision to be? There’s no way in hell a company would not act on an independent contractor (which is what Robertson is) saying some shit like this in such a public forum. Standing by a contractor after that would suggest complicity, and sorry folks, A&E likes to make their money through advertising dollars.


We want you to know that first and foremost we are a family rooted in our faith in God and our belief that the Bible is His word. While some of Phil’s unfiltered comments to the reporter were coarse, his beliefs are grounded in the teachings of the Bible.

One, I appreciate the humor in admitting that Phil is a bit, well, rough around the edges. I would have loved to be a fly-on-the-wall in the PR firm when they were writing this one. “It’s a belief a lot of Americans and Christians hold. But maybe he should have said that he preferred vagina to a man’s asshole in such a, well, direct way.”

Anyway, this is a cop-out. It’s the oldest trick in the book. Blaming ignorance to societal norms on the fact that you read a book once and liked it. “You can’t persecute me because I read this all in a book!” I would have loved seeing Timothy McVey use this defense during his trial. “But I read it in The Turner Diaries? And now you’re saying it wasn’t cool to kill all those men, women, and children in the name of a global race war? MIND BLOWN.”


Phil is a Godly man who follows what the Bible says are the greatest commandments: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

He called homosexuals “not logical” and the act as sin. I guess I missed the part in the Bible about loving “your neighbor as yourself” where you tell them that they are immoral, stupid, and are going to hell.


Phil would never incite or encourage hate.

He did.


We are disappointed that Phil has been placed on hiatus for expressing his faith, which is his constitutionally protected right.

And here is where I start going crazy. Yes, Phil Robertson has the right to express his faith. No doubt about it. No one is arguing that he can’t do that. Just as I have the right to call him an idiot for believing the things he believes in.

And this is where Conservative logic goes down a silly road.

First, lets get one thing out of the way: Phil Robertson’s First Amendment rights are very much intact. There was no violation of them by A&E, and you know why? Because that’s not how the Bill of Rights works. They were drawn up as protections for the people from the Federal government. This does not extend to private companies.  If there is one thing you take away from this, please let it be that.

The pillar of Conservative thinking is its belief in the Free Market. In a perfect Conservative world, there would be no laws governing the private sector. So for those who label themselves as Conservatives to come out and say that A&E should extend First Amendment protection to Phil Robertson and the rest of their employees is counter-productive to their entire belief system. A bigger role of government in private enterprise? Get the hell out of here, you Sarah Palin-loving Communists!


We have had a successful working relationship with A&E but, as a family, we cannot imagine the show going forward without our patriarch at the helm.

At the end of the day, it is going to be a dollar-and-cents game – can we attract the same amount of sponsors with a new show or a Phil Robertson-less Duck Dynasty.


We are in discussions with A&E to see what that means for the future of Duck Dynasty. Again, thank you for your continued support of our family.

Oh boy, I’m on pins and needles.


Here’s the reality of the situation: Phil Robertson had no business being anywhere near A&E, so honestly, this is kind of the network’s fault they are in this mess. Phil is a man who proudly proclaims that he’s been a Bible-thumper since at least the early 1970’s, and given his outspoken nature, this shouldn’t have come as a surprise. But when it finally boiled over, A&E did the only thing it could do to give sponsors of this show a sense of security, not to mention all the other companies advertising on the network.

The things that Robertson said were insensitive, moronic, and hateful. And he’s afforded the protection to say those things under the Federal law of the United States. But recognize that when he said that African-Americans were happy in pre-Civil-Rights Louisiana, or that homosexual acts are on par with bestiality, the other words alongside them were “A&E” and “Duck Dynasty“. He’s a liability to the brand that makes A&E a lot of money, and in order to protect their overall name, they have to separate themselves from a toxic asset. All Free-Market-worshiping Conservatives should appreciate that.